Knowing your worth

How do you know?
What defines how much you're worth?
Who defines?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you start to ask yourself why things happen the way that they do? Have you ever questioned the outcome and then ponder on what you could have changed if you have the chance or if you thought it through properly or if you could just do it again?  I do.  All the time.

Actually I've had a whole lifetime of moments that I wish I could re-do. Those  back-the-heck-up-and-let's-do-that-again moments.  But they weren't good moments. Heck no! They're either embarrassing, hurtful, shameful or just plain phuck ups! The moments I've regretted and want to do again to put it right.  The trials in my life. 

Are these what define me? No but they do have a place in there somewhere - in my whole make-up.  We should learn from our mistakes but the more 'experienced' I become in life, the more I think that the mistakes could have been avoided had I planned it better - had I foresaw the outcome or thought through the situation more.  Oh heck! If I had just over-analysed the situation lol.  No wonder I make a mess sometimes because that's exactly what happened.

I know what defines me.

It's me.

Remembering my maunga...

The banana and the apple.

Once upon a time (obviously) there lived a banana who desperately wanted to be an apple.

He ached to shine like the apple did and glow when the light hit his skin.
He longed to be shades of greens or reds or a mix of both.
He yearned to be the one to be placed proudly at the corner of the teachers desk or the fruit of choice in the lunch box.
He was not even the lure of Eve or the one that kept the doctor away ...

He envied the life of the apple.
It reminded him of everything he wasn't and his sorrow was quickly noticed by the wisest of all fruit... the peanut!

The peanut said,
"Banana, your skin does shine like the brightest sun and glow the brightest yellow.
You do have shades of the finest yellow and no need to worry for choice.
You may not sit at the teacher's desk but some teachers do not eat their apple.
Imagine if Eve ate a banana, you'd be eternally mistrusted and disliked.
If only an apple could keep the doctor away, what a joyous world this would be indeed.
Alas my dear friend, Banana. You will never ever be an apple no matter how hard you tried.
Because you are a banana.
Instead of wallowing in sorrow trying to be what can never be.

BE the best dang banana in the bunch!"

And so I remember my maunga....
I remember where I'm from.

And I am the best that I can be and there is still better to come.

Mess! Mess! Mess!

So many familiar triggers have got me all emotionally again! I haven't felt like this in years.

But it's all flooding back.  So much of what I read last night and this morning was sooo familiar.  She's not as bad as I was... but it's all the same story.

I at least had both my parents .. but then dad had 3 more families and I love all of them. Poor Max. Her halves suck! Her mum committing suicide?

Mess! Mess! Mess!

Remember the time ...

Something happened last night that really made me angry and upset.  So much so that I did not respond to the next attempt to contact me.  I knew that if I did respond I might say something that would jeopardise the relationship. I was acting on 'experience.'

Little witch!

Words unspoken....

How did we get here?  

So many babies, so much I want to say ... but can't. I don't have the words. I don't know what I want to say. I started crying when I heard and my heart still hurts. Why? May 5th is always my first memory... back to you Ngaroata, my sweet, most loved niece. You're the first person that I think of, that I can feel when I hear news like this. You're the only one that I associate this kind of pain with. I miss you too. I miss you very very much. I wish you could see how much we ache for you. To hear you sing again, to watch you grow like you should have. You took all that away from us and left us empty.

That's what I feel now. Emptiness. Again!  And sadness for a mum who is once again burying another of her sons. Why? What did she do to deserve such heartache?

Don't you know how much you were supposed to be here? You were born so that you may grow! So that you will one day have your own children. So that you will grow old, have mokopuna and share with them the joys of your own childhood.

We are still numb. Numb with disbelief! Why? I cry for you now - just like I did for your brother 2 years ago. Haere ra e tama.  He tama noa iho koe. 16 years old and gone... :( Sadness overwhelms me...

Hepa - we love you. 

When they don't say anything LOUDLY!

My kids do this! And it's annoying!

I am a talker. I need to talk to release whatever it is that goes on in my head. I went to a psychic church once and was offered 'healing'. The person didn't touch me, just sort of ran their hands slowly around my body. They spent a lot of time around my head. She was there for a good five minutes before she slumped down onto a chair and said to me, "Sorry, but there's a lot going on in your head and I'm exhausted by it." 
"Oh right," I sighed. "Make me feel good - NOT"

That experience was a negative experience for me and I became conscientiously aware of what and how much I was saying. Frustration led to seeking justification for my attempts to remain silence. To this very day my favourite is from Kahlil Gibran

"You speak when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts"

But back to my kids, and really this is about the silence that they express loudly around the house.  Let's meet all four.

The eldest who when she doesn't want to listen she responds with a nod and either hides in her room or rushes around the house loudly! Second born smiles loudly. No matter what response you expect, this one will meet you with 'that' smile.  Pursue a response and you may be met with a loud snarly smile.

Number three has learned much from watching the eldest. Stomping, rustling and loud 'sighs' fill the room with ice. And then there is the only male in our house. Our youngest. He is quite like me, loud and sometimes annoying. He's hopeless at maintaining silence.  I am proud that he possesses this trait (sometimes).

Loud kids live at my house.  Let em roar!

My son's intro to the world of English language.

He is surrounded by English speakers in a predominately English speaking country but was raised and schooled in the native language of his people.  He has not been learning English for very long, about 3 years, but if add these years to his maturity, it might equate to around 3 months!

Anyway, back to the kaupapa...

We were driving to Wellington and one of his two older sisters (his twin is one) decided that we should play a 'tense' game.  This game involves me saying a sentence in the present tense and them repeating the sentence in the past tense. Right!  The game! 
I talk.
Sister, "I talked." Son, "I ...."
I see.
Sister, "I saw."  Son, "I seed."
I tell.
Sister, "I told." Son, "I tall."
Climb.
Sister, "Climbed." Son, "Clum."
By this time I had to pull over cos my eyes were welling up with tears and my belly ached from the laughter. I could no longer concentrate on the road.

But...
Do you see the pattern here?  It wasn't until later that I realised what he was doing. My son was, inm fact, paying attention and using the knowledge he gained from what was previously said to help him solve the next problem. 

Yeah, he's my boy. 
Very clever!