In the nightmare before the dream

I was 20. Living on the streets.
Every moment of every day as if it were my last.
No care. No worries. No stress.
Did I want this life? No.
Did I ask for this life? I don't think so.
So why was I here?

Does it start with the parentals? 

When the parents would come home from the pub with a whole lot of people carrying crates and flagons.  The guitar comes out and they're singing and laughing. And the more they drink, the more they read into what isn't even there and they get louder and louder. The room fills up with smoke and the swearing butts in.  Dad is yelling at mum and mum is yelling back. The guitar player stops playing and bottles start rattling just before the thumping noises and screams start.  Does my pathway to the hell I'm in start there?

What about the abuse?

Dad's gone to jail and a few 'uncles' are coming through the door.  All of them are drunk, just like mum and they're slobbery and stink and trying to get some of those 'extra cuddles' in with me while mum is passed out in her own vomit beside the toilet.  Maybe it started there.

And the hidings...

There's a new man in the house.  He's looks a lot younger. He doesn't have kids. Gee, mum has six!  He was good to us. He cooked banana cake ... and then his kid was born. Now we're the bastards. The other man's kids. 'Your fucking kids,' he yells at our maternal parent.  And she lets him hit us. "No wonder they're mad, you keep hitting them in the head." She's pleading with him.  Hug us! Tell us you're going to protect us! Maybe it started there.

The institutions ...

They said I was just like him. "Just like your father!"
How do I know? I hardly remember him. What was he like?
He must be better than this hand that lifts me off my feet and throws me into the walls. He must be better than this hand that causes the side of my face to swell and the raised welts on my legs. Surely?
Why did they send me away? Just like my father? Maybe?

The gangs ...

There is shelter and protection and ways to mask the pain within. Those that ask nothing but expect everything. Those that use and abuse you until you become a user and abuser.
It didn't start here. It was already on a roll.

The teacher ...

Who picked me up out of the gutter.
Who showed honesty, trust and warmth.
Who led me to another pathway.
Who saved me from myself.

I am 21 and the dream is about to begin ...